Boredom

What bores you?

Now that’s a prompt which makes me ponder.

I am a restless person inside. That is a shortcoming anyway which does not let me indulge in any activity for long. Till it’s new and I perceive that there is yet to learn from it I continue. However, after a while I lose interest and move on to something else.

Whenever I begin a new venture my sister’s first reaction, therefore, is, “When are you going to leave it?”

During my almost four decades old tenure in office there are a number of times I have been dissatisfied with my job. I have, alternately, looked for satisfaction elsewhere, in creative activities.  In my early years in Kolkata I became, if not an avid, but surely a frequent traveller. During Durga Pujas, I with my extended family, would visit the sea side or the hills. Also the regular visits to my home town every year though I hated journeying alone.

Taking a transfer back to Delhi I presumed I’d be happier with my career. I was not. The job I was designated with did not have mental stimuli. It was the hospitality section and I had to deal with the top guns who were fussy about everything provided to them. The officer from whom I took charge challenged me, “Let’s see how long you survive on this seat.” Till then the maximum an officer survived on that job was one to one and a half years.

I stagnated for thirteen long years not on my own volition but because the bosses did not want me to  move out.

I felt saturated and kept on asking for fresh assignments. I was either denied on the pretext that there was no replacement available for the job or more work was imposed on me considering I was a willing worker.

At these junctures  I found solace in other avocations. I got into learning Indian classical music. It was pretty late though as vocals are trained from an early age. Four years hence my guruji shifted residence. I too took a rented flat near my sister’s. Way into fifth year I gradually moved away from music. Attending classes regularly was becoming difficult because of the distances between guruji and my residences. By that time I had got bored and lost interest.

Recently, my physician suggested I restart my riyaaz (regular music practice). I declined.  Basically, I don’t feel the urge to sing anymore. Writing has taken over instead. It is cathartic but I don’t know how long it will remain so.

With age I find the quotient of boredom increasing day by day. Even a conversation can do that to me if I am preoccupied physically or mentally. It’s bad.

My attention span has reduced. Now I like to do a variety of activities throughout the day in small measures. If anything drags  I don’t feel like carrying on. Nor can I cling to a particular subject for long. It also goes for human interaction.

Once upon a time I was hooked to haiku so much so that I managed to organize a workshop on the subject by a distinguished faculty for the very first time in my city. It was serious hard work. But  I did it. Today I am disillusioned with the genre. If anyone asked me to reorganize a workshop I will say no, nothing doing.

I guess the only thing which does not bore me is staring out of the window. But there is so much to do in a day that I can’t spend long hours gazing out. That’s a pity.

Day one, post retirement, I joined a Yoga class. The trainer is a young boy very knowledgeable and keen to do the very best for each of his students. Its the first time I am doing something for my health. I struggle a lot as my body is not so fit or flexible. It will take more time for me to get into the correct postures. I am persevering. But given my nature I don’t know how long my interest will be sustained.

Boredom is a state of mind. You have to find your own connect and stick to  it. If you continue with a hobby or job you attain some amount of expertise, if not perfection. Problem with restless souls, like me,  is they want to do too much within a limited time. Resultantly they keep on doing hop skip and jump without achieving much.

I believe I should train my mind to be still and focus. Learn to enjoy the routine and not what will follow as a consequence. In Shrimad Bhagwad Gita, Krishna says to Arjun that one should keep on doing one’s designated duty or assigned job without aspiring for the result. This is relevant for people like me. I either seek a hurried result or give up before achieving it because sticking to a job is more painstaking and demands patience, diligence and single minded devotion which are lacking.Boredom is just an excuse.

In contrast, I am known for my sincerity, thoroughness and dedication to my work in office. How come? Perhaps the underlying  compulsion does not let me deter.

While writing this post I am bothered by these paradoxes within me. My job gave me adequate cerebral churning. That kept me on. Though at times I did feel listless by the stereotypical rut and generated some creative exercises inbetween. My boss disapproved of it. He thought it would be difficult to carry on with them after I retired. But the work itself was interesting and dealt with varied subjects. I guess that made me less fidgety.

This constant craving for something novel and exciting may germinate from an inherent streak of  apathy and letting go in the face of hardship.

Or am I judging myself too harshly?

Pic from Pexel