Its March and I have not written a new post after 2nd of January this year. A shame as myriad mundane activities of day to day subsistence is taking precedence over writing, which although was not actually a daily routine, yet formed a part of leisure at regular intervals. The thought, however, remained at the back of my mind and nagged, especially, when I was too stressed out with worries not about the future ( that is unquestionably bleak!!) but about how I was moving away from my own self each moment involuntarily. At times the present is more worrisome than the unknown tomorrow.
The beginning of the year saw some heartbreaking, orbit-shifting changes in life. I have been oscillating for quite some time between taking the right path and retaining my comfort zone, however, discomforting that was becoming with each passing day. It sounds strange now but it is true. Sometimes, we do not realise or want to accept that status quo is not always a safe bet. But taking the next step is so difficult, so very difficult, even when we know it is imperative and inevitable. So, after many tugs of war between the head and the heart some compelling action followed mid February which left a heartrending vacuum in life. Yet in a very contrarian way peace got restored amidst a havoc-ridden existence.
Though I am still not at peace with myself but in the final analysis change is the only constant in life and for the better! A few To Dos after a phase of disorder and disorganisation justifiably follow suite. In the first place, I have decided to once again immerse myself in creativity – complete the half done writing assignments, catch up with my unfinished readings, try my hand again at learning a few new forms of art, in short, reclaim my life.
I do not know how successful I will be in my mission. Discipline and order are two things which elude me often but at least the intent is firmed up. A suggestion from my elder sister which I am keen to embrace is to maintain a regular journal of whatever criss crosses my mind – a ready reckoner of sorts. This post is one big step towards that but the subsequent entries would not be necessarily a part of my blog space. I intend to write and not tap on the keyboard to align a string of wayward musings into one cohesive strain. A far cry because I have seriously lost ‘touch’ with the pen. And however well meaning the proposal be I am really doubtful about its continuity.
A zillion household chores have been pushed to the backyard which need to be prioritised in the second phase. This should have been the first phase for all practical purpose. But I guess I have to get into the right mindset , a happy and contented one, to pursue a consistent course of action.
Next is streamlining my financial commitments which are in such a mess. Five years more to retire and I think its high time I wound up a lot many things before I embark on my second innings. One may say that there’s still time but the speed with which time flies….
Amidst this plethora of must-dos, I once again shelve my dreams. Foremost of these is to find my own self in the crowd of unwarranted burdens and unwanted drudgeries. Though somewhere in life’s course, I have come to identify myself with these burdens and drudgeries. Perhaps that is my way of accepting life as is. There’s no point in not owning them as disowning can do nothing better than perpetuate friction.
But again… all of these enumerated above and many more can only be achievable when the blood oozing wounds subside into throbbing scars, which in turn, sooth down to being just a passing memory stabbing the heart once in a while on a rainy evening or a cloudy noon.
And that perhaps is the toughest task…to fight it out with one’s own self, placate the obstinate child within so as to let her settle down to a more calming and reasonable prospect. I do not know when that possibly be accomplishable. Probably never….or perhaps I should let the wand of time sweep over my soul moment by moment till the chaos within is lulled down to sleep.