I am still not convinced what love is all about. I have still not been able to define the noblest of feelings which can be experienced only by humans in all its glorious splendour. Or is it a myth that we cling to just to make life a bit easier? Is it merely an illusion which blinds, bluffs and buffets us with an additional ounce of buoyancy where exists none. I am not sure and I do not know whether I’ll ever be. Understandably so because I have kept it away from me for so long that it has eluded me forever. I was afraid my vulnerabilities will be stripped out of the closet if I let myself loose. What an ignorant cowardly fool I have been. I have in the very beginning jumped and caught hold of the worst scenario even before the nascent bud sprouted and spread its wings. I have embraced a nightmare that is why the dreams have evaporated leaving behind a piercing, pricking, paralyzing nothingness. I have crushed a blossom before bloom. As a result the fragrance has died down before the petals could unfold in a rush of gay hues.
When I look back and around I find myself clinging to too many relationships in life! Why? I feel they are important to me and I will not be able to bear to be without them. Again a childish premise to start with! No amount of temptation can withhold what is destined to wither away. The ball of fire rising early in the morning from the East warms us with its delightful rays. But we cannot expect its glory to be imperishable. Its not!! Every evening it bids an adieu on its own giving way to the inconsiderable night striding in with its pall of gloomy darkness. But we still hope for light perhaps knowing at the back of our minds that day is not afar. But we have to let go so that it comes back to us in thousand folds. No amount of volition works here.
Mr. Snow Boot, my canine pet, came in my life nine years back. For nine years I nurtured him like a dream – feeding him, seeing to his day to day comforts, bathing him, playing with him, talking to him and most of all being with him. He was a constant companion to me. And one day without any prior intimation he was gone. I had two pairs of leash for him, a horde of medicines, dog food, choostix, toys and what not. But when the time came for him to go no amount of leashes and chains could stop him or hold him back. That is the day when I was taught the lesson to let go. I did not have any options left. I let him go. And he just walked away without looking back.
The evening previous he bade a tearful good bye to all of us. We thought it was the physical pain that made him cry. We did not know that it was his way of telling us that he was leaving us forever. It is our human weakness that we cannot anticipate the end. Or is it that we don’t want to? We keep on hoping for the best and persevering to maintain the status quo. But in this world of relativity is there any status quo?
Death makes one philosophize. That is the only thing that we can do accosted with the Unknown. We weave tales around theories and axioms and try to content ourselves with our little logics which we consider inviolable. But the undeniable fact is that we are left askance in the face of God’s will and plan. What is His plan behind Snow Boot’s departure I am still at a loss to fathom? Perhaps it will unfurl gradually. It will be a wisdom gained on hindsight. Till then I figure I will be groping about for an answer. Till then I shall await in mourning. Till then the poverty of my soul will lay bare at every bend that I take walking on the rugged terrain of life’s landscape. Till then I shall have no peace.
We buried him in a jungle. I hope in a few days to come the earth under which he sleeps is covered by plants, shrubs, weeds and flower beds, so that wild and untended as they may be, yet life’s continuity will get reiterated and the endless beginning refill Nature with limitless joy.
In loving memory of Mr. Snow Boot…